everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
