he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
