A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
