wakey wakey hands off snakey
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
