My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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