If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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