i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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