his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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