My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
