i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
