Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
