There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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