apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
