I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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