If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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