Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
