I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
