I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
