the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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