i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
