I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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