The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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