I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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