I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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