How'd it feel making her break her religion?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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