Umm I'm too high to move.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
