just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
