seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
