Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
