He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
