i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
