Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
