i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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