I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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