True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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