Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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