Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
