Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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