dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
