Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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