can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
