i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
