East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
