I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
