when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
