I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
