im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
