I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
