Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
