its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
