your parents love me but you hate me
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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