areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
