God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
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and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
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You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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