tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
