My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
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I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
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Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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