The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The chlamydia really affected his face.
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It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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