she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.