theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.